“What it Took for Me to Be a Man” by
Jason Dabney
You know, when we first started being
cordial with each other (2006), it was a time of change for me. I was looking
to be my own person. I wanted to know what it meant to be a man (let alone a
man of God). I was worried that I wouldn’t be a good man because I didn’t have
a man in my life to take me under and show me what it was like to be one. I
remember talking to Byron one night after revival, on the way back to our end
of the city and riding in his ministry mobile. I asked him “what does it take
to be a man, what does it mean, how do you do it”? He said to me “Jay, you’re
going to have to go through some things in order to find that out”? He asked me
if I was sure I wanted to find out what it took to be a man and said I needed
to be careful what I asked for. I told him (24 years old then) “I still want to
know brother, I want to be a man”. The reason I was so adamant on finding out
what it took to be a man is because I had started to be around some great men
at our church, including Pastor, Omar, Byron, Sam, Marc, Curry and many others.
I would see them smiling in the presence of women, holding doors, serving and
leading, treating the women with respect and striving to be husbands and
fathers. I wasn’t yet striving to be a husband or a father, but I knew that the
qualities that they were demonstrating around me- I had never seen before, but
were ingredients in the recipe of an honorable man. The reason I’ll never
forget that night Byron and I talked about being a man is for 2 reasons: first-
he said it would cost me something to have that prayer answered, and second-
soon after that I started being cordial with you!
When you and I started to talk as
friends, I was ready to be a man. I started wanting to be my own individual,
not a copy of those other brothers that I spoke about above. There weren’t a
lot of real men in my family, or in my life for that matter. But here I was, walking with God, desiring to
be a man of God! I knew I wasn’t a man yet, but if I didn’t hurry up and learn,
I felt like I would always be the age of man with the ways of a boy. I would
tease you (in a joking way) and poke fun at your name and call you Candice.
When you showed me your work ID, I could clearly see that your name was Denice,
but we were young and I played the “name game” with you for a while. But there
was something else there. I noticed how you brought your 2 sons and your 2
young nieces with you to bible study every Tuesday. I began to think in my
heart “Dang, that girl bringing all 4 of her kids to hear the Word, she don’t
play!!” As we talked I learned that the boys were yours and the girls were your
sister’s. But deep down inside I began to admire you. Because I knew it had to
be hard being a young, single mom. And you were faithfully coming to Bible
Study every Tuesday- and of course being at church on every Sunday. What does
this have to do with being a man? and why am I flattering you- you ask? Well,
This was the first thing I discovered about being a man- that I was attracted
to a woman of God, who was faithful to God and loved God- one who walked worthy
of honor by her children showing them how to love God too. I would watch and
admire from a distance. And while we wouldn't talk every single time we had
church, I would just say to myself something that I still say to this day
“Candi is amazing man”!
One night, after a revival or
something, I took the “name game” to another level. I asked you if we could go
upstairs and talk about music. I had heard how awesome you were singing on the
music ministry coupled with the fact that I already admired your spirit. So up
we went, with no impure motives just 2 young people who were transitioning in
God talking about singing and rapping our love for God. Remember, what the song
was called? Ironically enough- the song was called “Set Me Free”. We listened
to it over and over. I gave you a copy of the CD to get it in your spirit too.
You lost it, but I know it got in your spirit. I looked into your eyes as we
sat there listening to the beat and going over how you would sing the chorus. I
couldn’t sing so it was like pulling teeth trying to convey to you what I had
envisioned for the song. What I saw was a young woman who was really dedicated
to helping others. I learned that you loved to smile. You loved to be happy.
You were at peace. You wanted to have fun. As long as what you were doing was
fun, you were comfortable. Before we knew it people were looking at us like it
was time to go after church that night. They were ready to lock the doors! I
asked you for your number: half of me was focused on the music, but the other
half of me was curious about that smile, that joy and that love you had. The
latter attracted me to want to know you beyond the “name game” and beyond the
song “Set me Free”.
Still never forgetting my quest in
life, to become a man, I had learned something else: I was attracted to the
qualities you had in you- but I didn’t even know it yet. In my quest, I always
struggled with being accepted. I wanted people to accept me, I wanted to fit in
and be loved like I’d never been loved growing up. And one night, while driving
my SEPTA bus working late night, you came to mind so I decided to call. I
didn’t know if we had anything in common other than the fact that we both loved
music. But I remember it plainly: I was feeling lonely because all of my
brothers were off with the ones they loved, getting married and engaged. I had
no one I could relate to now and could hardly connect with them anymore. So I
called you, not thinking that you would answer or that we would have anything
in common. But I was in for a surprise: You did answer, and we had a whole
bunch in common. We talked about one topic after another: dealing with being
saved, being single and whether either one of us was looking for someone to
spend our days with. I got the feeling you were content. I wasn't looking to be in
a relationship right then either, but that night I learned another quality of
what I desired as a man: a woman who listened. Part of being a man is knowing
your own heart. You have to know what ignites the fire in your heart. You have to
know what slows down your heart rate and brings to a place a peace and comfort
like a baby resting close to his mother’s body. As the baby lies on his mother’s
chest, I imagine their heartbeats kind of become in sync. That night I felt in
my heart that talking to you always left me feeling like that baby lying on his
mother’s chest. A little anxious until the comfort of knowing that you’re with
someone who loves and cares for you causes your speeding heart rate to come
back to normality.
I also recall one night calling you
up at like 10:00pm one night. We talked about the same kind of stuff: God,
music, the 90’s, who you attracted to (Dwayne Wade & Grant Hill) etc. Bunch
of random topics as I recall. What stood out the most about that conversation?
I’m glad you asked! You said something to me that I’ll never forget. I said to
you several times that I wanted to let you go because I didn’t have to get up
early in the morning, but I knew you did. Your response was that you didn’t
care and you were cool and didn’t want to get off the phone. We ended up talking until about 3 am and you
had to get up about 3 hours later for work. Wow!! At that moment I discovered
that as a man, I need a woman who is selfless and willing to sacrifice to make
her man happy- even if it means staying up at night and talking!
Why am I recalling all of this?
This is when the Lord began to show me what I needed to be a man as well as the
desire he created in me for the special woman he would allow me to marry. From
that point on, a fire had been created in me for you. The way I saw it: you
were beautiful, you were selfless, you were a giver, you were a woman of peace,
everything about you was joy and you always were willing to allow you loving
heart to bless someone else. From that moment on, I said you’re going to be an
amazing wife! Somebody is going to be blessed all the days of their life. His
life will be a life of peace, joy and blessing because that’s what you manifest
every day. Skipping ahead some time. I wondered why not me? Why wouldn’t I want
to be that man- blessed, living in Joy, having a life of peace, ready to love
at all times. All the qualities God put in you, I desired. And you have been an
“Angel of Mine” since then. I told myself when we were friends: As long as I
can help it, she will never want, she will never need, she will never lack, she
will never hurt. Hallelujah!!!! That was God! And here it was my quest to
become a man had literally collided with the fire God gave me for providing for
you. Candi, I stand by that fire right now. It still burns, in spite of the
present circumstances. I long to have you, to hold you and to give to you as
you gave to me. I will go from end to end of this earth to provide for you. I
will give, I will sacrifice, I will work and do all that God gives me strength
to do to make you happy. God didn’t create me to walk in joy, have success or
accomplish prosperity on this Earth without you. It doesn’t exist, it’s not His
will.
What
does this have to do with being a man? My mentor told me in 2006 that if I was
sure I wanted to know what it took to be a man, I would have to go through some
things to gain what I sought. I have lost you. I have lost my fire, I have lost
my tenacity, I have lost my fight, I have lost my earthly authority, I have
lost my vision, I have lost my heart. He told me it might hurt. He told me to
be careful what I asked for. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to go through
this. I still say yes. God created me, the man, Jason to fight for you, to
sweat for you, to battle for you, to hurt for you, to cry for you to go through
loss for you. He created me to go get what Candi needs, listen to and protect
Candi’s heart. What she shares, guard it, pray for it and seek me for how to
care for her. A man does that for his Queen. You are the Queen of all Queens!
There is but one Queen baby and that is you.
How do I know God created me to be
your man? How do I know this is what was meant to be? How do I know this is
what I want? How can I be so sure? The fire that was created for you in my
heart when we were just friends- when I had no desire to be with you at all- is
still burning in my heart. Had that fire stopped burning, I would have known
clearly- our assignment is up and its time to move on. So why am I going
through all of this? Why am I putting myself through this suffrage? Why don’t I
get? Why don’t I just move on? Simple. The Fire is still burning! I didn’t die.
And if I have to cry every night- I will. If I have to believe by myself- I
will. If I have to miss you- I will. If people say I’m foolish- Let them. They
can’t feel what I feel, they can’t see what I see. If I have to hurt- I will.
If I have to be in agony- I will. ALL FOR YOU AND FOR THAT FIRE IN MY HEART. I
LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, I NEED YOU, I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU, I DESIRE YOU-
ALWAYS. SHOWERING YOU WITH THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART IS THE REASON GOD CREATED
ME. I KNOW, IM SURE, NO ONE CAN PURSUADE ME OTHERWISE.
I love you with everything in me,
Jason
